Dad told me about a bill before the California State Senate which will require state employees to pass a civics exam. Then he followed this idea to its totally logical end and devised his own civics test for me. He said that, if I fail, he will subject me to remedial tutoring. As I would rather be hit by a speeding train than sit through a pedantic, snooze-fest he calls instruction, I opted to take and ace the quiz. Here are his questions and my answers.
1. Why are there 3 branches of government?
For the same reason there are 3 sides to a triangle, 3 strikes and your out, 3 coins in a fountain, the holy trinity (the father, the gun and the holy target) and 3 brain cells left in the test administrator’s head: Some moron thought that 3 was a spiritually significant number. We all know it’s 7.
2. When can the police search someone’s home?
When they have a warrant, when they believe they have a warrant, when they wish they had a warrant, and when the situation warrants. Also, upon consent, or if the police thought they heard something that sounded like consent (e.g. a cough, a barking dog, a distant rooster or even a rooster who is totally engaged).
3. In the event of the President’s death or incapacity, what is the line of succession?
The President’s dog, the Vice President, the First Lady, the cleaning lady, the Majority Whip (assuming there is someone to use it), the Minority Whip, the Cool Whip, then Kim Jong Un.
4. Do local governments have the power to levy fines on dog owners who fail to license their animals?
You should know. To avoid licensing me, you asserted to the county for three years that I was a deformed mutant cat. Then, when Animal Control came to take me away, you had me remain perfectly still and claimed I was stuffed. When I sneezed, the jig was up, and Mr. Compliance was up to his butt in back fees. So you concealed an undocumented working dog, escaped a well-deserved prison sentence, and still have the unmitigated gall to ask this idiotic question. Shame on you, sir!!
Gosh..hope I passed.