My folks decided that I should be on a mediterranean, gluten free, salt free, vegetarian, taste free diet to preserve my aging but awesome body.  So, I’ve been on the program for 2 1/2 hours, and already I’m seeing a big difference in my mental state (i.e. I’m going insane).  But, I’m trending on all the social media hotspots, like Yahowl and DogBook, and am already in demand on the rubber chicken circuit.  I’ve got speeches lined up for months on the merits of food that is so healthy, the taste alone will give you the will to survive in order to hunt down and kill the dietician who devised this crap.  And I’ve already created my own recipe for Greek style phony frittatas, a Greexican dish that’ll mock your socks off:

In a large bowl, carefully layer the following:

5 cups rice flour or sawdust

1 cup unsweetened, nonfat Greek orthodox yogurt or 2 hours of Greek history

3 tbl organic, raw walnuts or 2 wallflowers

1 goat

5 egg whites from cage free, limited range chickens, the kind that only lay egg whites

5 llbs raw mixed vegetables, pulverized to the consistency of tile grout

Mix all ingredients for one hour while engaging in a Greek tragedy, Zumba, jazzercise, sky diving or any other activity that will keep your mind off regurgitation.  Then carefully empty ingredients into a greased garbage pail, pick up the phone and call for a non-mediterranean pizza.

There’s nothing like a restrictive diet to make you appreciate freedom of food.  It’s all about balance.  Strikes and gutters. Yin and Yang.  Greco and Roman.  Rhubarb and Snickers.