Since I am still sequestered in my dog house, I’m feeling an unseemly bond with the cardinals sequestered in a man cave..uh, I mean conclave. So, I thought I would pass the time by conjuring up a little multiple choice quiz for all you Jeopardy junkies who can’t wait for “The Vatican” to come up as a category. Here goes:
1. When the Pope retired, he had to give up his gold ring. What was to be the fate of the ring?
A. It will be destroyed in the fires of Mordor at Mt. Doom by a Hobbit, along with that other pesky ring.
B. It will be melted down and re-formed into a golden chalice specifically to hold Diet Popesi.
C. It will be pawned at Ricco’s Pawn Shop in Florence.
2. Similarly, the Pope had to relinquish ownership of his red shoes. What will become of them?
A. They will be a museum piece, like Dorothy’s red slippers, then auctioned at the weekly Vatican flea market.
B. They are slated to be worn by Scarlett Johansson in an upcoming re-make of The Pope of Greenwich Village.
C. They will be an inspiration for a mass-produced line of footwear, including papal pumps, sacramental slippers, and liturgical loafers.
D. They will be pawned at Ricco’s Pawn Shop in Florence.
3. The Pope’s retirement will be funded by:
A. AARP (Almighty Association of Retired Popes); current living membership: one.
B. Plaintiffs’ attorneys in priest child abuse cases.
C. Planned Parenthood.
D. Ricco’s Pawn Shop in Florence.
4. The former Pope’s new home will have 50 windows. With what company has the Vatican contracted to provide window coverings?
A. 50 Shades of Gray. (colors limited)
B. It’s Curtains For You.
C. Venetian Blinds, Seriously.
D. None, as the former Pope wishes his retirement activities to be transparent.
E. Ricco’s Shades ‘N Stuff. (yeah, he’s a busy guy)
OK, if you answered all correctly, you are obviously a proud pupil of papal profundity. If you guessed three correctly, you are a slow-flying cardinal. Two right means you are a bishop and can only move in limited ways on a chess board. If you scored only one right, you will be banned from St. Peter’s Square and all Pope-a-John’s pizza places for life. If you failed to nail even one question, you have one last chance to score with this bonus question:
When a new Pope is elected, the world will know by the following:
A. The Vatican Band will begin playing “There’s a New Kid In Town” by the Eagles.
B. White smoke will appear from a Vatican canon as it misfires and knocks four apostles and eight pigeons off a nearby wall.
C. Eight disgruntled cardinals will run out of the building, screaming for a publicly-witnessed re-count.
D. The new Pope will be revealed when he is inaugurated by swearing himself into office. Holding the bible will be..you guessed it..Ricco.
There. Now I’ve passed the time, served my sentence, and my sequestration has at long last ended. I wonder how many cardinals would have aced this quiz? They should limit the Papal finalists only to those who did. Amen.