One of my mentors, an Australian Shepherd who also happens to be a world-class psychologist by the name of Dr. I.M. Lickenmyself, once concluded that there are actually four personalities that each of us possess.  The first is the individual we think we are.  The second is the individual as perceived by others.  The third is the individual we think others perceive.  And the fourth is Gwyneth Paltrow.

First, I think I am a perfect example of everything great and good in the world.

Second, everyone who knows me must agree with my own view of myself, if they are in their right minds.

Third, I think others perceive me as I perceive myself, except for my own pack (i.e. Mom and Dad).  They both consider Dad to be the alpha male, Mom to be the alpha female, and I’m something akin to chopped liver.  This concerns me.

So I scheduled an appointment with the good doctor to discuss my pack and how their perception may have a deleterious effect on my effervescent personality.  For some reason, he directed my focus away from my addled pack members, and onto something else entirely.  In fact, the entire hour was concentrated on leg humping.  His contention is that male dogs (and evolved females) who hump a leg at least twice a week are generally very well adjusted, and tend not to care what others think of them.  I told him that I had no desire to mount anyone’s leg, and still consider myself at the pinnacle of mental health.  But he convinced me to go home and give it a try for a couple of weeks.

My first experience occurred this afternoon.  Dad was dozing off in his recliner, and his leg was hanging off the side of the chair.  I assumed the position and commenced.  Dad barely moved.  He mumbled, “Not now, honey.”  Then Mom walked into the room, looked at me with disdain, and said, “That’s disgusting, Flap..you can do better.”   I can do better?  Was she referring to my technique or my choice in partners?  I didn’t really care.  The experience was a supreme disappointment and left me feeling..well..a bit unclean.

So, I’ve decided to stop ruminating about all matters psychological, and will cancel all future appointments with my doctor the quack.  And if my pack sometimes engages in conduct which challenges my sanity, I’ll just think, “What would Gwyneth do?”