My friends have been ‘hounding’ me to get into show business. They said I’d be a natural. But I was dubious. I just didn’t know if incredible good looks, magnetism and superior intelligence were enough. So, I thought I’d test the waters and”get myself out there” by creating a short DVD and sending it to my numerous contacts in the industry. It looks and sounds something like this:
[Voiceover, with accompanying action video]
He has sired over fifty offspring…after being neutered.
He bathes himself, and then hoses down his human companions.
He once smelled a fire in the house, and was the first to break out the marshmallows.
He is the most interesting dog in the world.
[Flapjack resting in his dog house, beautiful female Aussies squeezed in next to him; zoom in for closeup as he speaks to the camera] “I don’t always drink out of the toilet, but when I do, I prefer the seat up. Stay thirsty, my friends.”
Well, today I received the first of what I anticipate will be many offers. A major studio wants me to star in a re-make of “Lassie.” Using state-of-the-art make-up and computer graphics, they can make me look like a Collie. Ridiculous. I countered by offering to star in “Aussie”, the story of a super dog from the planet Hydrant who comes to Earth to rescue abused animals, bring their abusers to justice, stop global warming, and start a new line of butt-flavored dog biscuits. I even sent them the script that I wrote while I was eating breakfast this morning. So, now I’m waiting for the green light so that I can make these fools millions of dollars. When it inevitably happens, I will remember all the little people – like Mom and Dad – who sacrificed so much for me (cough). Maybe I’ll get them a bit part in my movie. They can play the clueless couple who adopted me, not realizing my origins or super powers. Come to think of it, they won’t have to do much acting at all.