You may have seen the video wherein college students were asked some fairly basic questions on U.S. history and responded with startlingly absurd answers. A few that I remember: Who won the Civil War? You mean the one we had with Canada? Who is our current vice president? Palin. When did U.S. troops leave Vietnam? Leave what?
After recovering from my shock, I had one of my countless brilliant thoughts. I would canvass the dogs in my neighborhood to ascertain if they were brighter than the dolts questioned in the college survey. I designed my questions around the subject of canines, to maintain fairness between species.
I began with the French Poodle next door. How long has your breed been in existence? The French have been baking bread and croissants since long before Napoleon told the french bakers to bake napoleons. I didn’t say bread, I said breed. Why would we bake breed? Are all Aussies imbeciles?
I quickly departed the land of the looney, and headed to the German Shepherd two doors down. Who started the German Shepherd breed? You dumkopf! Everyone knows that the Germans invented all breeds of dogs. But my understanding is that dogs evolved from wolves, isn’t that correct? Of course. First, the Germans invented wolves, then they invented evolution. So, dogs were essentially invented in the fatherland, even stupid Aussies like you.
This was not going well, so I hurried quickly to the Chihuahua across the street. The gate was locked, but I could see him through the fence, so I called to him. Could you stand up and walk over here so that I can ask you a few questions? I AM standing up, Señor Wise Guy. Oh, sorry..can you tell me how many Chihuahuas were present at the battle of the Alamo? There was only one..the famous Chipotle Chihuahua. He infiltrated the Alamo ahead of Santa Anna’s troops, running around from Austin to Crockett to Bowie, offering them burritos which were infected with e coli bacteria. By the time of the attack, these guys were – pardon the expression – as sick as dogs. And the rest was history, thanks to one brave little Mexican puppy.
I was truly dismayed at this point. But I decided to visit one last dog..the collie around the block. Where did collies get their name? Well, we originally were put to work guarding cantaloupe fields in the vast farmlands of America. The work was very tedious and boring, and we began to suffer from various forms of depression, so the farmers called us melon-collies. It was eventually shortened to collies. Seriously, you didn’t know that?
I have a new respect for our astute college students.