My mom and dad, ever concerned about my health and well-being instead of concentrating on their own dilapidated bodies, have increased my daily dosage of vitamin C.  I haven’t had a cold in 12 years.  But, as I have grown older, they are looking for ways to extend my life and ward off illnesses, including but not limited to a myriad of herbal supplements, vitamins, laser treatments, massages, acupressure, and senior canine yoga ( I like the downward dog position).  I can take whatever they throw at me, but excessive vitamin C gives me horrible gas.  And for environmentally-conscious people, they can be oblivious to the obvious:  Climate change is exacerbated by gases released into the atmosphere and manifests in rising (vitamin) C levels.  They probably think that, the more gas I produce, the more C I require.  And this fallacious reasoning will undoubtedly have disastrous environmental consequences, as our household spirals into a chaotic gaseous haze.

I have written to the EPA about this impending disaster, and yesterday received the following reply:

Dear Flapjack,

We have received your complaint and have forwarded it to our Vitamins and Gases Unit for review.  Please note that complaints such as yours typically languish within our various departments, divisions, units, and sections until the complainants die or forget about the complaints, whichever occurs first.  At that point, they are generally misplaced or accidentally destroyed.  In rare cases, we actually investigate a complaint and arbitrarily deem it meritless, or effectuate a remedy which has no remedial value.  We appreciate your correspondence and invite you to contact us when you inevitably feel that we have taken absolutely no action.  We will deem your second response as a new complaint and utilize the process set forth above.  Your friends at the EPA wish you good health through a healthy environment.   

I’m still reeling, but I realized that I had to take this matter into my own paws.  So, I flushed the copious bottles of vitamin C down the toilet (let the fish get gas), and will continue to do so until Mom and Dad get tired of stocking up on it and wondering where it’s going (this could take years).  We all need to be vigilant about climate change and other environmental dangers, and this is one form of vigilantism that I can necessarily condone.